Q: My husband decided to add an extension onto the back of our house so I could do my sewing in peace. The builder
he’s hired has an assistant who looks like Brad Pitt in Thelma
and Louise and has me rushing to hand him a glass of diet
cola mid-morning. Originally, they said it would take two months to do the extension, but I’m hoping it will take longer so we run into summer and he has to take his top off. Just the thought of it is getting me so hot and bothered, I keep dropping a stitch. What can
A: I think you’re lucky your husband wants to erect anything and has brought in this builder and his handsome, young assistant to help. Slow down progress on the extension with a loose or missing washer on the pipe under the sink. A flood can put work back by weeks, if not months and there’s always the hope of an early summer to tempt your assistant into wanting to top up his tan in your proximity.
Can you decide on a loft conversion to keep the team on-site, and you can easily persuade your husband into investing by saying you want to be the best in the street. I’m sure he’ll be happy to oblige.
Q: My best friend’s new husband is handsome but an absolute shocker when it comes to social etiquette and manners. He was raised on some backwater estate and acts like he’s never even seen a knife and fork before. He thinks nothing of wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. I love my friend’s company but his lack of table manners is putting me off inviting them round.
A: What an enticing – if somewhat dirty – dinner guest he must be. He’s good-looking, yet totally rustic when it comes to socialising, and as your best friend’s new husband he’s totally off-limits. Are you sure it’s his lack of table manners that is putting you off inviting them round, or are you secretly crushing on your friend’s new other half?
Either way, he sounds like a modern-day Tarzan, so why not throw a fancy-dress party with a jungle theme so you can dress up as Jane and see your friend’s husband in his natural habitat? You can serve a buffet of finger food so there’s no need for him to know which fork to use and make jungle-themed cocktails. A Funky Monkey (bananas, coconut and rum) will soon have all his jungle juices flowing and you can either give him a very good talking to about his lack of social etiquette or go swinging around the local social scene. Your friend will be happy to see you so welcoming to her new spouse and your party will set an entirely new trend in the neighbourhood which will have everyone after a rumble in their own jungle.
Older Man Draw
Q: My son is at university and my wife and I miss him so much and look forward to his visits home. Lately, he has been bringing a girl with him who he insists is just a friend. She’s very nice, polite and offers to help my wife with the washing up and brings me cups of tea while I’m tinkering with my vintage car in the shed. On her last visit, she brushed up against me and kept saying how much she liked older men and would be attracted to my son if only he looked more like me. I’ve never looked at another woman during our marriage but I
keep thinking about this girl, who is young enough to be
My wife and I are like other middle-aged couples who are stuck in a rut and I fear this has made my libido rise-up unexpectedly when I thought that side of my life was over. What can I do?
A: Barricade the front door. Stick a padlock on the inside of your shed while you’re tinkering, and go on long fishing trips whenever your son threatens to visit. Or, rather than being so overly dramatic, enjoy the attention of an attractive and confident younger woman.
You should feel proud that you can still arouse feelings in the opposite sex, and this could be just the thing to put a spark back into your relationship with your wife. She has been neglected for too long, and it’s time to stop tinkering in the shed and start tinkering in your bedroom. You can’t leave the vintage car alone in case it falls into disrepair but what about your wife? She still needs her engine started once in a while to stay finely tuned, otherwise she might get rusty and fail to start. Next time any thoughts of that young woman appear, focus on getting your wife’s motors running nicely.
Lady Wax Worries
Q: I’d like to get my lady garden trimmed as I’m going on holiday to the The Hamptons this year. Usually I do this myself with a pair of scissors as it’s not very sunny in Robertsbridge and so I rarely have to sport a bathing costume. I’ve booked a salon wax but was flummoxed when the woman asked if I wanted a Hollywood or a Brazilian. What should I say and will it hurt?
A: It sounds like you haven’t had your bikini line touched since the 1970s and, luckily for you, that’s precisely the inspiration for the latest ‘full bush Brazilian’ trend. No I’m not talking about Ronaldo with a beard – word on the street from across the pond is that Americans have coined the phrase to describe where the bikini line is waxed bare except for a fuller triangle left to flourish on top. If that’s too hippy for you, you can ask for the (normal) Brazilian (think landing strip if you dare) or Hollywood, which is all off.
As you are heading to The Hamptons, I would go for the A-list style, the Hollywood, to show your patriotism if not much else.